A Notable Night Out at the Village Hall

Behemoth SFriday last, at eight thirty in the squally, wintrous evening, the good citizens of Tutbury in the county of Staffordshire were tempted into the Community Hall by garish posters and an advertising campaign on the local radio promoting a unique entertainment billed as THE BULGAKOV STATE VAUDEVILLE.
The expectant audience became hushed as the curtains parted to reveal Consuella Starcluster, the tambourine virtuoso with her troupe of sexually explicit dancers. The chaotic fifteen minute performance culminated in a display of synchronised manipulatory pliability that left the auditorium profoundly silent.
Next on stage was Bui, the Gaelic Nightingale who treated us to an extraordinary rendition of MEMORIES, surging over the rim of propriety with pathos, extruding emotions with her imaginative, if cavalier, embrace of discordance.
During a short intermission, whilst the stage was prepared for the final act, an unbilled juggling and fire-eating unicyclist perambulated precariously amongst the stunned audience alarming those closest to the isles.
The ultimate performance was given by a dapper illusionist, appearing as an oversize black cat, who proceeded to fire a Mauser Red 9 at his onanistically pale and sunken-eyed assistant, she deftly catching the 9mm rounds between first-finger and thumb, between fanged teeth and, on one notable occasion, between the cheeks of her boyish, silk-clad posterior. Any suspicion that the demonstration of feminine dexterity involved sleight of hand was instantly dispelled when a stray bullet ricocheting, first from an iron stanchion and subsequently off the instrument of a trombonist in the orchestra, who was at that moment attempting a particularly challenging High C, slaughtered a ticket holder in the front row. The messy and disturbingly noisy demise of the bewildered victim quite literally brought the fire-curtain down on the evening’s proceedings.
There followed a short pause before any unlikely calls of “Encore” were drowned out by screams and howls as the general public, on mass, rushed the double doors of the exit.
It is rumoured that the Community Hall will be closed until a replacement can be found for the bookings administrator.


3 thoughts on “A Notable Night Out at the Village Hall

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s