“So tell me,” said Rob as he handed me a chilled vodka and tonic and came to sit with me by the blazing fire, “have you solved the great Millennium mystery yet?”
I had told him what the letters said and also that I was meeting Mary, but I had not told him everything. I had not told him and will never tell him, that her eyes and her kiss haunt me. And I could not tell him that I was at fault and that Mary had said I would be forgiven. So all I could say was, “It was all such a long time ago, that it is nothing and yet it is everything to my mother. I think I can see now why Mum was so concerned. While she probably could not have known what any of the other letters said, she knows what she herself wrote. She knows it could be sensationalised in the hands of the wrong people and could distress my father. And yet I don’t think, from what I have read, that anything actually ever happened between my mother and Mary. Even if it had, I would not think any the less of her. She has always been a wonderfully devoted mother. I don’t want her to feel afraid of what we might think of her now, at this stage of her life.”
“And what did you make of this Mary?”
I was quiet for a moment, remembering her words and her touch, “From the little the letters can tell me, I know she had an impact on everyone who met her. She’s a charismatic character even now and my instinct tells me she was essentially good, yet highly controversial. She seems to have ruffled quite a few feathers in her time. But Mum loved her. That’s all that matters. My mother loved her. She was enthralled and tempted but I believe she resisted. And, as far as I know, I don’t think she ever saw Mary again. I honestly had no idea she even knew her and I never heard her name mentioned, ever.”
“And are you sure your mother could not have known what any of the others had written, not even your father?”
I stared into the fire, recalling the preparation of the time capsule. The letters had been left in the kitchen and then everyone gathered around the kitchen table while my mother put all the contributions into the box. “From what I can remember, the envelopes were all sealed. So I don’t think she ever had any idea what the others said. I think she can only be worrying about her own letter. I think she is just concerned with how we might regard her in the light of this confession.”
Rob was silent for a minute or two. He was extremely fond of my mother and they had always been very good for each other. “Are you going to tell your mother that you’ve been to see Mary?”
And then I was quiet for a while before I said, “I’ve been thinking about it. But that would mean letting her know that I’ve read her letter and that I know how much Mary meant to her. She’s been trying to conceal that from us all these years, so no, I can’t tell her. And also, she made the decision to say goodbye to Mary a long time ago. So I don’t think telling her we’ve met would help her feel at peace now.”
“And have you told your father that she asked you to go back to the old house?”
“Not yet.” I shook my head and concentrated on my drink. I had been contemplating this question too.
“Will you tell your brothers?”
“That I went back? Probably.”
“But will you tell them what you found?”
I sighed. “That’s what I’m trying to decide, Rob.”
He put his arms around me and I rested against his warm chest. “You should do what you think is right,” he murmured, putting his lips close to my cheek.
“I’m going to try.” I looked up at him. “Don’t let’s leave any surprises for our kids. Let’s have a big bonfire before we’re too old.”
He laughed. “A really big one. We’ll burn all our dark secrets. There’ll be nothing nasty left in the woodshed.”
And then I knew what had to be done. I gathered up the letters, the envelopes and the newspaper cutting and threw them all on the fire. They caught instantly and in seconds there were only charred shreds.
I watched all the hidden lives burn to nothing and then sat back, unburdened. “I’ll tell them nothing survived. I’ll say it had all disintegrated in the box. None of it could be read. And that’s what I’ll tell my mother too.” Rob held me tight and we were silent