Oh, Rats!

I have run for my life. I expect most of you think I can’t run fast, but actually, we dodos can speed with the best of them. I think I am safe because I do not think that even children would want to come here, not even if they are shouting out “we are the rat catchers” and threatening to find the giant rat that apparently lives around here. I’m in a fish canning factory and poo! – it stinks! The only creatures that I suppose might live here are …..RATS!

Ha Ha! Barney ’ere. Can’t spell as well as wot that big bird duz but thort I’d tell you lot wot is happening. See, my boss, that’s Anastasia, the cheef rat around these parts, has got the bird in a corner and is tellin’ him wot’s wot. And she’s nicked this fone thing off him – ‘smart’ fone it is, so it’s smart just like me – and passed it on to me coz I is heducated see and can read and rite. So, here’s wots going on for your bird frend.

First mistake: the bird – he sez he is a dodo an’ I dunno wot that is – jumped on top of Anastasia.

Second mistake: he sed in this posh voice “I, er, do beg your pardon, sir!”

Sir? Sir! We all gathered round for a good old laugh. The boss was not going to be pleased.

“Who you callin’ sir,” says Anastasia, grinning at the bird with them luvly teeth. Nice and yellow and sharp they is. Then she puffed herself up all big and sed “I am Anastasia. I’m a lady see, an I don’t take kindly to blown up pigeons like what you is comin’ into my patch.”

Third mistake: he bowed to her and sed “I, er, am so sorry, my i-site [wot’s that?] isn’t so good, and you gave me such a frite!”Nice apology, stupid move. She nipped right up to him an’ took his fone from round his nek!

And now she’s realized something. Yeah – he’s the one wots been stealin the biskits and stuff an’ pretendin to be a rat so that them kids an’ rat catchers an’ stuff is after us. It’s getting’ good now- she’s really showin’ her teeth an she is getting’ closer an’ closer’ an’ – looks like meat’s back on the menu tonite…

Wot’s this? No, not them kids. There’s a bunch of ’em and they’re yellin’. They’re yellin’ at the bird. Wot they calling him – chicken? Biggest chicken I’ve ever seen. No they’ve decided he’s an ostrich. That’s one big bird an’ they can really kick. Maybe I’d best warn Anastasia… Me old uncle Roger, rest ’is soul, took one on once over in the big country. Put up a fite but it were no us. They picked the feathers out of his body later. True story. OK, an now the kids have seen us. I rekons it’s time to get back home…

Comments

Tasmania says:

Ferdinand. Are you alright? Speak to us!

Tex Mex says:

Ferdinand, what’s happening? I think you need help. I have friends.

Blogmaster says:

Barney, can you get in touch? Looks like blogging’s just the thing for you. Log onto www.blogmaster.org

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